It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.