Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
oh shit
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?