@jonnysun: its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we'd be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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@Brampersandon_: [two guys watching me in a surveillance van] Guy: i think im gonna be sick Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant
@thepunningman: [hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]
@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@HavocMantis: FACT: When a dog barks at you, it's actually their skeleton barking. PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.