its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.