its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Software Development ⛵️
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
you have three unread messages
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The Friday File.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”