It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.