Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”