It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Does it…does it take 3 days
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.