It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.