It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
How to wake up a Beagle
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.