Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…