It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.