It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston