It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider