It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*