The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
No Google it does not
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
taking June’s advice to heart
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them