If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
they really do be looking like this
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Gemma Correll
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.