@Parentpains: It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.
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@adam_cook2014: My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
@maisonwithapen: [mom knocks on my bedroom door] HER: are you modest? ME: well I'm no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter HER: ok I'm coming in
@ShutUpThatsWho: [CPR dummy coming home from work] WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh? DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
@djdarrellripley: Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!