@Shock_Monster: It's actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
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@Playing_Dad: Boss: Did you bring the reports? Me: Hold on. *reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers* Boss: I resign. You're the boss now.
@thatUPSdude: [1st date] Would it be odd if someone brought their cat on a date? Her: Very, what's in the box? Nothing, waiter cancel that can of tuna
@doktorj: *lies down on waxing table Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
@Sassafrantz: If I'm ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I'll be like "stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!"