Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse