Mad Max: Furry Road
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Every work meeting this week
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please