It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
You Might Also Like
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted