Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”