As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]