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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.