It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The first one, obviously
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.