It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
courtroom exchange of the day
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Vodka burrito was a success
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.