my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.