Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
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Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Dance like you’re not the father
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Real House Wines.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.