It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way