It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]