Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Owl Sanctuary
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!