@natalayhehoo: It's all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
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@Matt_the_1st: Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:...
@OldUncleDaveO: If you are having anxiety over something you've said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
@HatfieldAnne: “IN my period? ON my period? Ooo…maybe use ‘menses’ instead?” I chew my pen thoughtfully. You can't rush a good jury duty excuse letter.
@JhonRules: me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that