Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
You Might Also Like
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.