I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Best spoiler warning ever
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
birds and squirrels envy us
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun