@IdoNotPoo: It's all fun and games until you find the Twitter crush who catfished you is infact your husband
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@Wakenbake77: I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
@jakob_huber: "What's your greatest strength?" Shadow puppetry "Seriously?" [interviewer presses intercom button] "Pat, please bring a flashlight in here"
@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait... Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.