I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
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“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.