It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Not helping
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Are you ok, human???
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures