It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
marvel comics have peaked
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
channeling her this year
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer