*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.