[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
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If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
what
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good