If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*pronounces fake like saké*
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”