Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
O Wise One….
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays