“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
You Might Also Like
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Liquor Store Parking
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”