It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
every. time.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion