It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Okay
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops