@AmishPornStar1: It's almost summer and I'm only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
@BillyCorben: They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant -- and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
@dire_beard: [At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!