@AmishPornStar1: It's almost summer and I'm only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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@ArfMeasures: WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1999. Eminem's mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
@GrantTanaka: if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is "NO SPOILERS I HAVEN'T READ IT YET"