@AmishPornStar1: It's almost summer and I'm only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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@MumsieEsq: Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.
@EyeSeeYou619: ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn't Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows? GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she's in the house again.
@XplodingUnicorn: I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old. After hearing myself say it out loud, I'm pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.