It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Hey i am sexy to you now
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.