It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.