@mattZillaaaa: It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.
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@amydillon: One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
@hazelmotes1: Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.
@QwertyJones3: [first date] HER: Do you have any hobbies? ME: Yes! Wait, did you say "hobbits"? HER: No, hobbies ME: Oh, then no