@mattZillaaaa: It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.
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@tastefactory: [at subway] And just a little lettuce. *the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping* No wait.
@TheCiscoKidder: Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
@DearAuntAbby: I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
@AnOrangeSNES: In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.