@mattZillaaaa: It's almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex "I have to tell you something" then shut my phone off.
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@kashanacauley: What we've learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.
@hyperseas: Guys, don't ever tell a girl that she's yummier than a gummy bear, she'll know it's not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?