It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
23. the denim jacket
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.