thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
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rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I