@bambimygirl: It’s almost that time of year when other girls look cute in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my axe.
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@Darlainky: Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
@pan_opt_icon: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: Besides that.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you're never coming back? That's how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
@simoncholland: Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.