It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.