It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I feel it
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.