It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW