@KevinFarzad: It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing Domino's."
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@Vodkantots: "We hug and kiss, but people just don't lick each other." -yet another lie I just told my toddler
@doktorj: If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
@AristotlesNZ: OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.