I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.