@KevinFarzad: It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing Domino's."
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@1Happytwit: My ex told me that Gaga's "Bad Romance" song reminds him of me. Now I'm glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.
@QwertyJones3: *Girl comes out in a slinky dress* ME: Ooh that looks like fun *I push her down the stairs*
@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them