It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
happy valentine’s day to me
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV