It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
wow he looks just like him
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.