@Cpt_Burnout: "It's always Russia somewhere" I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
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@amazymay72x: no, dont go there dont touch that no, leave it alone keep your hands off! a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
@Prof_Hinkley: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal
@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job? Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.