WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
see you in hell you stupid fruit
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.